Will Vaccinate for Hugs

I can believe it’s been a year since Covid-19 flattened our lives.

In late February, it became clear that this virus was not going away and the world was about to become more unsafe for me. Mid-March my state shut down. Schools closed. Two weeks before school closed, I had already been in conversation with the school district trying to see how they were going to handle this highly communicable disease. I was trying to figure out how I could keep my kid in school and keep myself as safe as possible.

I had a bone marrow transplant in 2017. It is a long recovery. My cure unfortunately, brought on more diseases as parting gifts. I’ve been managing the gifts of my cure and it has been challenging. Part of the deal—when you get a bone marrow transplant from a donor—is wiping out your immune system with high intensity chemo and other fun meds to make way for the donor cells. To make sure the environment stays hospitable for your new donor bone marrow stem cells, you are left on meds to keep you immunosuppressed. Unfortunately, my state of immunosuppression has been ongoing since 2017.

In January 2020, I had infections under better control. I was finally ready to get connected in this neighborhood I moved into 3 years prior. I was joining social groups and cautiously attending. I was making new friends, or at least trying to. I thought I could reclaim some normalcy. I remember standing in front of the mirror and smiling while thinking, I can do this! I can get out their in this body and mind. March slammed me into a wall. As the virus spread it was declared an epidemic and then pandemic in the matter of weeks. I realized my big reentry into the world post transplant was going to have to wait. At first, I thought, Well, now people might understand what I’ve been going through for the last few years. That mindset faded quickly: replaced with grief. A global pandemic was happening and that meant I had to wait to rejoin society. I have a rich inner life and need little social time but after 3 years, I needed to see people. I wanted to be present in my life.

I was told by my medical team that if I contract Covid-19, I likely would not survive it. So, I’ve stayed home. For several months I had a Covid-19 test every month before I could get an inhaled medication administered. It is unpleasant. I have seen people over this last year as safely and responsibility as possible—typically involving outside, physical distance, a recent Covid-19 test, and a whole lot of anxiety.

I have unresolved anger toward those who have down played this pandemic and resisted masks. I try to see things from other people’s perspectives but I’m struggling with the conspiracy theory crowd. I need them to get onboard so I can rejoin society.

After a year of staying home, I have not hugged anyone outside of the people living in my home. I am ready for my vaccine. I am ready for hugs. My friends give the best hugs.